The end?

My dear Vernice

Its been a month since we left each other. Many times, I think about you, and it hurts me so. I tear sometimes when I think of us.

It hurts me enough to want to write you something. But when I try. It hurts me enough when I think about how difficult you have been to me, and I close Word.

But in the end. I eventually sat down to this, in bed, at 2am in the morning, writing this to you. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, and I think. I have waited long enough.

i know i covered some of these things before, and i am repeating again here but its just to let u understand how much i went thru, how bad i felt. I am not 记仇。but u need to know, u need to understand.

Bear in mind, I am writing this to you for your own good also. Regardless from now on, your life have me or not. I hope you will read what I wrote to you. And have a good think about yourself as a person. Whether you need to change or not. If you think I am not making sense or there’s nothing wrong at all and I am making a fuss; its ok also. Matter of perspective; half empty or half full. Not everyone can see eye to eye.

Of course ultimately I want you to be happy. And be blissful, forevermore.

I probably took too long for this. And in an idealistic situation, I would really like you to read this carefully and attentively, as much as you possibly can.

I do understand that perhaps at this time you might have certain amounts of disdain or hate for me. God knows how much or for what reason; I have done nothing to you. But it matters not what I did, but how you feel.

I have cooled down substantially to write this with a collected demeanor. Nothing like the last one or two.

What happened for us to just stand up and walk away. Was a very small thing. But it was just enough to be the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

Because it is my reaction to what you did.

If you have forgotten. I didn’t reply you for an hour or so. My phone was in the car while it was been washed. I was talking to my friends, so I didn’t look at it, so I did not reply. My mother was there.

When I saw my phone. I replied as much as I can. And I just wanted to go home coz took very long, and my mom waited long enough.

I think it is perfectly reasonably if one has afew questions In a conversation that need to be answered, and if that person misses out 1 or 2 when he was trying to answer the others and gets carried away wif his own responses and straight forgot about the ones he didn’t answer, what would be the right thing to do? What would be the matured thing to do?

You ask him or her the question again. And not repeatedly bombard the person with “ans my question” again and again and again and again. And keep accusing people they nvr read properly and all sorts of things.

Becoz this will just piss people off. And sometimes, people are still pissed off at what you have done previously. U really don’t want to add to the piss off, right?

Old wounds no time to heal why needa add new wounds lei?

Especially when they didn’t miss any of your questions. They answered your questions. But they interpret it in another way. So you can’t accuse them of not reading your questions properly. Because they did, and answered immediately. So issit people who never answer yr question, or issit you never read properly their answer, or never read at all? And if it’s the latter, why are you biting on other people like that? Isn’t that ridiculous? So is that justified?

So kick up such a big fuss, to what end? Make people tulan and make yourself tulan. Esp when you could have just simply asked again the question you thought wasn’t answered. And people will answer. And if you know that isn’t the answer you are looking for, SAY IT. Clarify that isn’t what you are asking. And people will respond with apologies even.

Problem solved. Why need to be difficult and make people dislike you?

Also, don’t accuse people of evading your question and being afraid to answer you or what. Its retarded. Why need to be so narrow minded to think like that. Why 做人 cannot be 大方 abit lei?

Because people already answered le. Just becoz they interpret yr question not in a way u r asking, expecting, or not giving u the answer u expected, or worse, coz u didn’t even read but accuse people instead they never read. Doesn’t give you the right to react like this to them. Especially your loved ones. Especially the people who love you deeply and want to spend the rest of their life with you. Don’t always scold them. And treat them like 理所当然。Love is not like that one.

You always justify that whatever you did, is simply just your reaction to the crap I give you.

Then let me tell you this. Especially as adults, we choose how we want to respond/react to any given situation. We need to be objective and mature about things and not just 发脾气 because you feel like it. The reaction that we give shows what kind of person we are.

And I still don’t think I gave you crap. I never did. You are self conceited you only want your way and if you don’t get it. You throw a big tanrum like a child.

39 yrs old le. At this age u should have seen a lot of things already. This kind of princessy, self conceited selfish attitude always insisting on having your own way. should not have any more le.

Should be more easy going, more chill. More 随便。More understanding abit. More accepting abit. More 大方 abit, dun be ridiculous and unreasonable anymore le. Don’t be so dominating also. Your enforcing, your squeezing, only make people wanna rebel more. Wanna push you away more. Wanna dislike you more.

Also, to be quite frank, the important thing to note also is that, isn’t loving someone about accepting, and embracing them for who they are? Also about compromising also because it isn’t just solely about us? Also to understand things are always far from perfect for each of us? That when both people are together, there will always be friction because no 2 persons are the same?

Everyone has their own habits and nuances that makes them, them. No one is perfect. I talk about accepting each other for who they are but of course, there is a limit to how much everyone can take.

I can’t say I can accept u for who u r. Becoz I cannot. Its so difficult to live with u, I realize after the time we spent together. And from the looks of it, u can’t accept me also.

The worst part in a person. Is when they are full of issues and they themselves don’t know.

Know already can change or try had to change. As long as really got genuinely try and got some changes, is ok de.

I know for me, you got try to give me some space of my own. And got give in to me abit. All these I got see. And I understand. And I appreciate. And I love you for trying.

Just deviate abit. I think this is something you nvr knew. Or nvr trusted. And for that, I am disappointed.

Did you know, my problem is not women. I dun even have to come and tell you I am loyal to you. Or I was. Because it is a GIVEN. Ever since I met u for the first time, I nvr look at anyone else. If anything, my problem is with cars.

I am using “people” “others” “he” a lot instead of using “me” and “I”. Because I am, apart from myself, I am also generalizing it for you in general. Pls don’t treat me and others this way also. Because I feel this is who you are. And perhaps it is time to explore. For your prior relationships to fail; how much of a part did you have in this?

I used the phrases “rebel more”. “pushing you away”. “dislike you more”. These are very strong words. Why do I have to go so far as to write till like that?

I have always tried to put across to you things gently. But it never worked.

I cannot just let you do this anymore. I don’t want to be an accessory to your stupidity. I need to tell you now. Sorry, I dun think I need to be soft anymore. This is the real deal.

U know, u tell me; I am not like last time. I dun love u like before. Last time how I behave when we quarrel and *till the time we broke up* is completely different. I used to be very kan cheong and all that, 很紧张你and now, I just dun say anything. I just keep quiet. I just wanna avoid it.

If u do this just for people’s attention. 你知道很累的吗。Anyone will burn out one.

U wanna know why? Because u made me this way. From the time u get angry for whatever thing. Justified anger or stupid tantrum. I try my best to pacify u. I try to explain to u nicely. I tried to call u to talk.

On a good day u will answer but becoz I wanna be detailed, coz I want u to understand. Its all about communication between 2 people afterall ma, right? My explanation is long de.

u get angry and 发脾气。Say I lor sor. Fine. U r like that de. I accept. 我忍。

On a bad day, u attitude. U wanna be princess. U dun answer. Ok so I dun call le. Dun wanna make u angry ma. I try to text u. but I write very long but detailed whatsapps txts. All just in order to want u to understand.

After u attitude finish liao u just tell me all my txt u just delete and nvr read. Seriously. What kind of a person does this. What kind of person are u lor. I nvr met any person like u before u know. @ that moment, I thought u were seriously rude to the extreme.

U need to understand this…. Nobody owes u anything, esp not me, and I certainly dun deserve yr attitude one lei.

Seriously I think u r damn 小气 and 无理取闹 one. A lot of things really can no need till like that but 你偏偏就是要搞到这样。你好像东西不到一个certain底部你不爽的。

Even before when we r together, u demand to know this. U demand to know that. Even before I was your bf, u already demand to know who is this. Who is that. Why is she saying this. Why u tell her this kind of thing. Why u comment this on people facebook. U like her before issit. BE HONEST WIF ME.

你这个人真的很恐怖。U r the kind of person that just won’t quit. Say what u got 小聪明 can sniff out a liar. Eh, pls lar. Fish u understand. I tell u u r very tiring to be wif and boliao. Even tell u the truth liao u still wanna wack. I tell u. U do not want the truth. U ONLY WANT THE ANSWER U WANT TO HEAR. And if people dun give it to u u will keep digging and digging and accusing and just hammering people until u r bored, or u find something else to wack people with.

This shit needs to stop. This is really not healthy. This entirely goes against what u said to me; starting on a fresh slate in a relationship u know. U keep telling me last time our relationship is a new beginning. Why U need to go and 在意 all my thing on fb. Who I talked to. Who is which girl and all that crap. And why I ask who to cook for me. Or I ever like who before or not.

U read my FB wall from the beginning of time to current is okay de. U wanna know me better. I can tell u. But the problem start when u start harping abt it all the time. Then every now and then u bring up shit all of a sudden to ask. And everytime it end in u getting pissed off. Knn 你跟我讲一个这样的女人谁可以忍。你还觉得理所当然。天经地义好吗。1 time 2 time nvm. But too many times!

So what is start on fresh slate and new beginning? Every now and then wanna ask me some shit and then when the answer is not to yr satisfaction u pick a fight. u know how many times u do this to me or not.

u like that bloody make people dun wanna talk to u @ all and hate u u know. Coz all u know, all u r good at is finding fault and quarrel wif people.

Then. Ask me abt that post in 2011. Kept hammering me. Changing for who. U just wont stop. Seriously sial. I already told u forgot. I ytd eat what sometimes also dun remember u  come and wack me for something I wrote 6 yrs ago. CB one lei u. Then I told u I dun remember, what did I get?

U BETTER REMEMBER! FORGET IS A VERY CONVENIENT EXCUSE! DUN LIE TO ME! U BETTER TELL ME THE TRUTH!

Eh screw u la. U dun wanna know the truth ok. U just want me to tell u what u want to hear. I dunno what exactly it is that u wanna hear. But I am sure it’s a few set of answers one. And becoz i cannot tell u, u get pissed off. And 没完没了。

And this happen at least 3x.

This kind of thing really make me wanna hammer myself and split my head open.

U r incorrigible.

Remember the time I tried to plan to bring us to Genting for a road trip and how u hammer me and accuse me that I wanna go take my shoe and Genting trip is an excuse? When I tried to explain that the shoe is 顺便 and that I planned to show u the place where I used to stay and all? I tried to plan something for us and U just insisted to yr convenience and kept hammering me just coz U wanna believe that I am a cb kia and planned the trip coz I wanna go take my shoe and Genting is just an excuse? I explain I considered bus @ first and since it’s to Genting straight de the shoe thing really is secondary but u refused to buy it? I wanna sacrifice my wear and tear on my car travel so far and up a mountain and pay petrol and toll fees and hotel and all that just for my shoes? 你白痴是吗。All that BS abt u want us to go to a place we nvr gone before?

U give me all these problem and bring my car in say I spent so much on my car and quarreled wif me juz coz u want us to go to Bali.

Honestly we just got together lor. JUST lo. Barely 2 or 3 weeks and U already wanna make me spend the money for an overseas trip. So fast wanna make me spend this sort of money. I told u I budget u hammer me abt my car. How much I spent on it. And that u r not worth it. Say I neow.

Pls lor I realized all these u just fucking hammer me coz u want yr way. U fucking selfish u know. U will go to extremes to get yr way. And all these things u do. Seriously u think u deserve this Bali trip thingy meh. After u give me so much suffering.

Remember the shit u gave me for saying 你要走你就走咯。我也没有办法留你。Or some shit like that. This is the truth what. I am a realist. 我现实。我 realistic。I am logical also wanna let u hammer. This one u wack me how many times? Because 我受伤过。So I learnt to think wif my brain and not my heart. Cannot meh? All of us learn lessons in our past relationships de ma. And these lessons stay wif us de. Automatic one. Like that also wrong?

U still tell me and say u r not like other girls and dun compare them to u. and u scold me for doing that. And u have nvr let it go. 你就是咬住这个不放。

Ya, u were right lo. Everyone I met is nothing compared to u.

When we go to Folo farm for the visit, I make a joke, u also wanna link to this and hammer me again?! U know what u r doing to me or not?! U r destroying me inside out and u r destroying the love I have for u lei. Issit u purposely wanna do this or else 你不爽？

Throw tantrum also got limit one. I already very good liao. I parked my car liao and u just walked off without me. Becoz I take too long? Becoz I slow? U patient abit will die ma? 39 yrs old woman lei. U think u still 20 meh. Even 20 yr old ger also not like u lor 好吗。

Attitude and leave. Call u dun pick up. Dunno disappear till where. U know I feel how 无奈 or not. I can only txt u and say I am here at this place. When u r better come find me. U KNOW HOW TERRIBLE I FELT OR NOT! Wanna bring u out and be happy together u keep hammering me like this!!!! U LOVE ME OR NOT DE?!

Then after that say wanna go another mall. I say walk there u say far. Ok lor, I drive. But get in the car u gimme all that nonsense abt the joke I made earlier and u hammer me again! Wah lau eh r u crazy or what! 你心里有病是吗？！

Nvm. At night I tell u aircon spoil. U scold me for not buying the cooler. I say I needa go help my dad. U get upset the nxt day cant go to yr class thingy. Tell me shit like nxt time my parents need help I have to go everytime issit. Then affect our life.

U know u make me very stressed or not. From 1 happy meal at the place I so wanted to brg and share wif u. To u becoming a tyrant to terrorize me. And I really lose appetite to eat le.

Do u even know what u r saying or not. U r telling me to be 不孝 u know u selfish woman. U 不孝 yr daiji 好吗。Dun stop me from doing the things I feel I need to do as a son. This is the Wong family not Lee. And dun accuse me that I afraid of my folks and I still taking money from them. Even if I am, also none of yr business. And also, the aircon u also got use one, so fixing it is for yr benefit too u ingrate. So pls wake up! Use yr brain before u speak and dun be selfish!

Seriously by the time of this jb trip. I already very tired liao.

U know what. I try to be nice and chill abt it. U r very insecure. U need to know. I try to nicely explain to u everything u wanna know. I try to be patient and understanding with u. I believed tell u le everything u will ok and just put it behind. Our relationship is a new beginning ma. But no. Every now and then u will just dig dig dig. 不爽的你就一直咬，然后找吵架。

All the girl friends I know la. All my so called previous fling or what. This is considered new beginning when u keep digging it up? And u know how terrible I feel when u call them horrible names like bitch and slut and all that?

Can u show some respect? You are 39 yr old woman liao lei. And u still call yrself a staunch Buddhist. U and yr so called 口业。Lanjiao lar. My mouth may be stinko but my heart is way better than u this staunch Buddhist. I am hurt that u say all these out. Hurt that u dun show anyone respect no matter who it is, and hurt that ur behavior is like this. Also hurt that u r destroying our relationship like this.

I also remember the times u lose yr temper at me and shout at me over the phone becoz u cannot understand something. We were talking about my agent license. And I also said something not so right, but just coz of 1 thing I quoted wrongly and u didn’t clarify shouted at me like I just messed up yr 50k deal. U know u made me feel very little. And useless. U fuck me like I am a useless bastard. U know all these things is all bottled up in me one? But I love u de. So I just tried to swept it past.

I just be the dog that wag my tail at u can le. I thought I like that I can keep u wif me at my side. Just swallow my pride.

U tell me. Dun 忍。We must accept each other for who we are. 忍 sure will explode. U r right. I exploded that day. But u tell me. U like that cb. Giao me to this lvl. Who can 忍？

Pls dun think anyone can accept u this way u r okay? U carry on like that u eventually chase everyone away de.

From that. I become very defensive. Everything u say. Will trigger me.

Until I also tired le. I just keep quiet. I dun say le.

Then it progress to the point I adopted the mentality just apologize. Say sorry. Coz I just wanna spend some peaceful happy time wif u. Apologize le then will be okay liao. We can just let it slide.

Remember when u get angry saying yr thing I will drive slowly. My thing I will rush and drive like an ass? All to force me to drive faster? Even when I am entirely uncomfortable? But I try anyway lor. And I really did drive faster. But do u know, that isn’t me? I really not comfortable with it de. I no choice. U force me de.

Remember the time when jeer at me and say I cry coz u dun wanna let me park at corner? u want me to change my OCD? That u nvr see guy like that before? How u c it as a 坏习惯？That I cannot park at corner anymore? U dun love me at all. U just wanna force me coz u want me to be a certain way. U dun respect me or love me for who I am.

Ya when dun wanna park outside my house coz there always accident u force me. Even after explaining its accident spot u still force me. What is wrong wif u?! Then wanna blame me that I feel very uncomfortable for such a small thing. Then scold me for it.

CB 世界怎么有你这种蛮不讲理的人。Buddhist like that one? Please la…..

I felt so small. When was the last time u held my arm? Everytime is hold yr arm like follow u. like u dun wanna hold me but I have to follow u so I hook yr arm. When was the last time u hooked my arm?

Then that night when we were walking in geylang serai. U tantrum for not hooking yr arm. I was tired and dazed 好吗？knn yr hand fake one? I dun hook yr arm u cannot come and hook mine still come and hammer me?

Its really very nice that u say will go wif me to meet my friends. And I will gladly bring u. But for the times I cannot or dun wan to or feel its not time yet. Do u know u explode at me again and fucking make me feel like giving up and fuck this shit and all? Do u know the pressure ur mounting on to me? Even if 讲难听点 I dun wanna bring u go. Then u cannot dun go and just do yr own thing meh? Y so needy? Never occur to u I need time on my own without u and all that?

U c. everything is progressive. I am not one to play the blame game. I am not the type to chut this kind of card de. But at least imho, is really u made me this way de.

Everytime u block me on whatsapp. My heart die a little. From u block till I keep trying to explain and send u long sms. Call u. U jitao attitude me. U feel happy that I am begging like a dog right…..

till I so sian of all these things. I just dun care le. I am so drained and tired le. Coz u make me like that. I am a human. I got love u wif my heart de. U hammer me. I will tired de. Why I keep letting u hammer me like that? If I dun love u I will let u to this to me ma? Stomp on my pride?

Rmbr when we haven’t together that time. U get pissed off otw home from ECP coz we didn’t talk abt being together. But we were just chatting and we were having a proper conversation during that time in ECP. Then u get pissed off and when I got home I realized u were upset I fly back straight to your house but u didn’t give 2 fucks about it and just let me wait there? Ya u told me u wont see me but it’s a problem that need to solve but u didn’t solve it even though I came all the way back. U just let me be upset. U r this kind of person lor. U just wanna make people upset and u feel its ok for them to feel this way coz they make u upset. In this case, me. And I deserved it. This is the conclusion that I come up with abt u.

U r not even glad I came back lor.

How abt the Thailand trip? I on my uncle even before we were together. And I didn’t consult u first u say? Why should I lo. At no point was I under obligation to tell u becoz u r not my gf. I tell u is coz I chose to. Its not yr entitlement. Then tell u still have to let u hammer. Jio u go but u dun wan. Dun wanna waste yr leave. Ok fine

But then 1 day before I fly off and I pick u from yr wedding dinner and I really dunno where to go eat, I just thought of Holland V and go there. As I remember I asked u to suggest but u dunno also. U flare up at me. Say what dun think u dunno what I was thinking. That I brg u go nearby place so easy to send u home and I can go home and rest and all.

Pls lor u no idea to go where still wanna wack me like that. And still say I 明明 know u dun like to go places near yr place I still bring u. Even if I really go to Holland V just coz “easy to send u home and I can eat quickly le den send u home so I can go home rest” 有错meh? U should be grateful I even showed up at all. But yet u just wanna fuck me up.

Then this tantrum and quarrel u wanna hold wif me for 4 days and make me so upset for my bkk trip everyday, and still say I deserved it coz I go to BKK without u. KNN U yrself dun wanna come and u dare say this kind of thing to me. 你还是人吗。

And u threw such a big hoo haa coz of my conversation wif Sammi. U think I asking her if she want me when it was a general question coz u throw one of yr stupid ridiculous tantrums again and ignore me. People ask me if I am ok I just respond in kind.

And u know u r fucking rude. My phone is my privacy. U know. I let u look, is not yr entitlement. Is I let u c. U dun have right to see de. U understand? Dun take it for granted u ingrate.

Sorry, the thing abt the 8zi. I still believe I nvr lie to u. And u made me so miserable by breaking up wif me. And btw the time we spent together I was so miserable all the time. I only kept it from u coz is my own private matter. I still believe I nvr do anything wrong. Please dun come and tell me stuff like if I have been open wif u. I can ask u to wait outside while I go in myself if really is a private matter. Really 废话。U think I kid meh. If u really think like that that day u wont insist to go in wif me and make me lie to Roy that u r my sister liao lor. What a dumb ass idea lor seriously.

This thing abt trust and u keep checking my phone after this incident de patch back. Is yr own daiji. Everytime u check my phone I am jumpy and afraid not coz I scared u will find girl friends to hammer me.

U know what. All I wanted, was to spend quality happy time wif u without u trying to stir something. Dun look at my phone. Dun look at my things. Just dun. Becoz when u start. I really defensive mode on and I will just get upset and feel bad and shit. So dun.

Is u sibeh lihai to dig out something to hammer me. Something u will find. Whatsapp cannot find le, u go find my sms. Den wanna wack me for spending money I dun have. Then wanna start wif Bali again. Sibeh kan bu u know. Then quarrel liao I really fucking sian wanna send u home u say I threaten u.

When all I thought we needed was some time to cool off in our own spaces. Eh fuck u la.

As I say, my problem is not my loyalty to u. Even long before u came along I dun have anyone liao. And u dun keep doing all these things to piss people off pls. 很令人讨厌你知道吗。

Also u screamed at me for making u 罚站 outside the car while I dilly dally inside. U r really a cibai kia u know. Barely patch u keep doing this kind of thing to me. U really damn bastard lei u know or not. Then the Takrut thing still wanna hammer me for buying when its u who tell me to buy coz he said if I sway u r responsible.

重点 is u tell me go buy de. In the end also nvr let me wear. U also use that as an excuse to make me give every of my amulet away. U damn good and scheming lor. Buddhist like that one lor. U make me fuck it up big time and do all these disrespectful things.

And dun qat me lanjiao wei say I no money but舍得 spend money on this 8zi thing. Or I spend so much money on my car. I say no money but still keep buying stuff for my car. Even after I explain to u everything I buy before I no job u still 硬硬来。Say no money keep spending on car. And say I so neow when it comes to liberation. And then start all over that I can afford to spend money on my car and 你不值得我在你身上花这样多钱。No girl will force this kind of thing so fast after 2 3 wks together de lor. I dunno what kind of guy u date before but sorry, if I am not comfortable wif spending money , why r u forcing me?

If u love me, why u do that sia?

U know I nvr stop u from doing the things u wanna do? Even if may not totally agree? Do u know u always give me a hard time? Do u know u always wanna believe what u wanna believe? If u wanna believe I am preventing u to do something, u really believe it eh u know or not. U know I love u so much and I really wanna share in depth conversations wif u. Walk life’s path wif u and talk and discuss everything under the sun wif u. U say liberation. I share wif u my concerns abt it. Abt vendors taking u for granted. Abt concerns and worries if animals will die after liberation. All these become 我变成坏人。因为我跟你说放生不好。我在阻碍你修行。Eh fuck u understand. I where got say these things.

U r fucking dumb ass bitch u know or not. I concerned and love u then share all these wif u. I nvr stop u from doing anything u want, u realized that? On the other hand, u r the cb kia that effectively stop me from doing anything I want! All I ever wanted was to share all my thoughts wif u. And u hammer me back like that.

Then rmbr I share wif u that sometimes when we are angry and we say bad things in the heat of anger. And its okay to do that coz we r all human? We say bad things like this in the spur of anger but we dun really mean it?

U had to jump the gun and say I am encouraging u to 犯口业 and again, 我在阻碍你修行。

When all I wanted to say was that its okay coz we dun mean it, we just gotta be careful wif all the things that we say when we are angry (so as to not  犯口业)

Do u know I get misunderstood like that by u is damn 灰心意冷. Make me dun wanna say stuff to u anymore. I just wanna shutup, say sorry no matter is I right or I wrong, and just move on and hope yr anger go away quickly so we can be happy again. Is like that lor.

U r so stupid. I tried to explain to u whole night u just dun get it. I dunno how difficult it is that u dun get it. U r also the person that cause me to ram my head on my steering wheel. U indirectly hurt me like that.

Also I wanna tell u now. If u dun like something and u wanna convince others that whatever that u dun like is a bad idea for what reason, u dun go tell that person lies to justify it to convince that person to 跟你站在同一条线。I am not saying u got lie. I won’t know. But u know best.  

All of a sudden when we r happy happy and ok de u will find something to hammer me wif. Ask me some stupid shit and when u dun hear what u wanna hear will just hammer me again. Find excuse to look @ my phone. Suddenly ask me abt Gigi. Who is she. Why I ask her cook for me. Knn I cannot even remember I wrote that. Or issit ur disillusioned. But perfect excuse! I say u find it for me to see. And u so happily took my phone to scroll my FB.

Becoz I told u to find it, it is yr perfect gleeful justification.

It is also another time bomb waiting to go off. Again.

In my heart.. Lai liao lor lai liao lor. Dai ji lai liao lor. U know its miserable living like that. And pls stop yr recovering nonsense. I am hurt more than u.

This is what’s going through my mind in the later part of our relationship u know. I am so 无奈。I really wanted to escape. But I love u. so I realized maybe its good if I can spend some time on my own. U also wont let me. Have to fight fight fight then u decide to give me some. To be fair, I really appreciate it for trying to give in to me.

I really wanted my own space sometimes to recuperate u know. But u dun let me but when u did, I was very thankful to u.

U suddenly wanna get married nxt yr. after our r/s so rocky and after u fuck me up like that. Every 2 3 days find me daiji. When we okay wif 2 yr time line suddenly become 1 yr. Tell me yr ex bring u go c venue and all that and I nvr. Put me down like that. Tamade we just pak tor afew weeks only lei. Bring u go c simi lj venue? He bring u go c venue y nvr get married? Despite the fact I love u de, but if u make me so miserable during the whole time becoz of u, what makes u think I wanna marry u wif an open heart lei? Seriously we started too fast and we barely know each other very very well in all fairness. Not that I dun wanna marry u but I just felt we needed more time. And becoz I need freedom de I want more time to adjust but no! die die wanna push me for nxt yr. when I asked y, to me yr excuse is bullshit to the max. u just wanna get married within 1 yr of dating to any guy. If really like that when u ask me when I wanna get married I said 2 yrs why u nvr jump up at that time?

Y all yr ex bf nvr marry u? Whose problem? After reading what I have to say, if u got read, do u think it has anything to do wif u? ya maybe they got fault de. But u got any part to play ma? Maybe they really bastard; but u nvr share wif me, so I dunno. I just wanna say. Its always very easy to blame others and not yourself. Happens to everyone. Its important to be objective. I am. R u? Me being objective can write so many things I pent up for so long. If u feel what I say is correct de, pls do something abt it. If I am wrong, I apologize.

I love u. and I think I have proved it. I have done everything in my capacity to love u and all that despite yr behavior towards me. and as much as it’s a small thing that caused this, and sorry, I still feel is not my fault. But I did take very long to write this regardless. I love u and still care for u and want to be wif u but I cant carry on wif u like that. Of coz my care for u is want u to be happy and blissful, even if its not me. But of coz during this 1 month u may have moved on and I am perfectly fine wif that and I accept it. Coz throughout this time, I learnt not just to love with my heart, but also with my brain. I learnt to love myself more also.

Also one thing I feel u should know abt me also. U noticed I nvr ask much abt u? coz I dun mind yr past. I nvr ask how many bf u have. I nvr ask how many diff guys u fucked before. I didn’t find out yr folks stay wif yr brother till when I sent u there. U were initially secretive to where yr parents stay. I rmbr u said sembawang. But no end up is wif yr brother. Ok lor nvm, treat it as I rmbr wrongly. Why. Coz I really 不在意 abt these things.

I dun even know where u work until I piece together NTUC. I nvr found out where u stay also. U also nvr tell me. I wonder y. But nvm u dun wanna say u dun wanna say. I nvr hammer u for it.

Also I seriously dun buy the BS yr friend rent u the place for cheap. But I have nvr probed u for it. I nvr looked at yr phone god knows what things r inside.

I also seriously dun buy the BS that u got a 3room flat wif yr mom’s name. And u dun let me go to yr hdb appointment. I ask u this. These things, I got hammer u ma? NO. coz u wanna keep secret means u dun wanna let me know, fine. I am gg to respect u and not probe.

This is called love and respect.

U ask yourself this, if our situation is reversed. U think u will react the same way I do? U will tear the whole house down to get to the bottom of all these. And u know it.

When u apologize to me, i always say its ok. no big deal. dun worry abt it. and lets move on. But when i apologize, i wonder if u feel the same way? I dun think so.

我看得开。你不会。

Yr incessant hammering and badgering and tyrant over me isn’t. Esp since Roy ask u if u married before. I was shocked. The question is why he even asked like that and to u? But u know what. I deem it doesn’t matter. U think I fucking dumb ass? If I wanna find out I can. I just can’t be bothered coz it’s the past. So in a way dun really matter. 

I feel u live in a bubble where u cant trust me and keep thinking i lie to u and all that shit and that is so fucking tiring coz that couldnt be further from the truth. If u cannot trust me i guess there's not much i have left to say.

i tell u everything u keep digging it out to wack me. I dun say coz i dun wanna invite trouble for myself but u say i lie to u. 

seriously. fuck off man like that. 

I am sorry if I offended u. No matter what, as I say whether I am in yr life or not, I really want u to be happy and blissful. If need to change de, try to and I hope u can be a better person and have a better relationship than we did. I will also work hard to be a better person than I was. if this is the end for us, I hope we dun end on bad terms and we can still be friends. If its not the end and we still can be salvaged de, please let me know. I love u, and no matter what the future holds for me. Whether if I have anyone or not, I will always love u and miss u.