All that i need to write.

Its been awhile. But I needed time. i have largely held off writing something. Or even anything. There’s actually quite a fair bit, but I genuinely have no idea where to start. I didn’t exactly want to do this. To write another essay. Honestly, I dread this.

I needed time to sort out my feelings. I needed time to think abt what and how I wanted to write. Actually many a time, writing has become a way to put my feelings across; I am not that good at face to face confrontations. Or speaking, for that matter.

U said you wanted the ugly truth. In a way, this is me giving it, or sharing It with you. I think, its come to a point, I need to. If we don’t sort this out now. We will never be happy. Disclaimer. The words may, or will sting. Salty language included.

Not the first time that you have not allowed me to speak uninterrupted and when you get pissed off, you just hang up.

In that sense, from my perspective, I have no chance to say anything. And times I can actually say anything, u throw it out wif BS and excuses. Or you hang up on me. I think the icing on the cake is that, you lack empathy to look @ things from others’ angles. U do not even try to understand things from another person’s positions.

My opinion is, you don’t put yourself in others’ shoes. You don’t put yourself in my shoes. You don’t consider my feelings. You aim to selfishly bend me to your will. Ultimately, it will come to a point that you will make me very miserable.

Or we can just don’t talk abt these and just forget all abt it. And just be like always. But as you know also, “always”, isn’t “always” anymore. After we “patch” back. How u treat me is different already. I can feel it and it hurts. And then you will get upset at some random thing and get pissed off all over again. And again.

Really, its just tiring.

By not texting u. or not talking to u for the last couple of days. The reality is that, I am just delaying the inevitable. At some point, we will need to talk. But we tried that on wednesday. It didn’t work. U hung up on me after u got pissed.

You are not exactly a patient person. I told you ytd I was driving and I cant talk. I have meetings and important issues to discuss with people that I work with. Everything was back to back. BACK TO BACK.

Early evening, you called. I said I can’t talk. Again I told you I am in the midst of something. Another meeting. I am not having fun. I am trying to build something. I will call you when I can, I said. “GOODBYE” was all u said and hung up. 

Seriously. It was damn demoralizing. But no, I need to brush this aside and focus on this now. My meetings and business thingies. Our issues are very important, but its also the most complicated and the will take the longest and most patience to sort out. So to me, that had to come last. After everything is said and done. Then can try to talk that out, without any other distractions. But of coz, it didn’t turn out the way it turned out. You hung up on me. Again.

Just for the record, contrary to what you believe, I am not angry. I am just tired. Demoralized. Kind of at a loss abt what to think, abt what to do. Abt how to deal with you. I don’t want to be shouted at. Scolded at. And when I think abt what will happen. . I rather not do anything.

Becoz it happens all the time.

But at the same time, not being on good terms. With u. its like an itch I can’t scratch. Its bugging me @ the back of my head. While I dun wanna think abt it, at the back of my head, I am still thinking abt it. I lose focus. I dun feel like doing anything.

If I have to peg a reason for not responding to you. Its this.

Thinking of u shouting at me and scolding me. And looking at the texts u sent me. Honestly, really make me dun wanna talk to u. Your temper seriously stinks. I wonder if you ever calmly read back at all the txts u send me when u r angry, and ever think that was all necessary? Or justified?

To me. I treat people the way I want to be treated.

As a recipient of yr nasty txts, your shouting, scolding and temperament. Really make me wanna just ignore and forget everything.

Because when you are like that. You really stress me out. And I just wanna run.

Yes I am sorry abt the whole fiasco this week. Yes I went late. I said I will go @ 2 but I showed up at 4. I didn’t think it was gg to be that difficult. Yes I forgot u wanted 4 tickets. And I got confused in between. Because I only filled up 2 slots in the form, yr name and my name. I thought that was enough. which equates to yr ticket and mine, for both days. At that point I thought that was okay liao. Then came the form filling for your ancestors’ names.

All the nasty sms that you sent. All the things you scolded me. Has it ever, for a moment, occurred to you, I didn’t want things to go that way? All you just kept harping on was that I didn’t do a good job and I fucked it up for you. But have you for a moment, spared a thought for me? I nvr write Chinese words for a very long time liao. And from my phone honestly the words r quite small. Its really not easy for me. I can read doesn’t mean can write. And u wanted everything perfect. Want to write big. Wanna write nice. But words small at times I have to go to google images to try to find bigger image to write correctly. Then cannot blanko. The auntie and uncle say can. So I shared that information with you. But NO! You said cannot! And u wanna get angry over it. Ok nvm cannot 就  nvm. I do according to your way lor. To me very simple. U cannot accept then its ok don’t use. I am not unhappy that u insist don’t want to use blanko. U r not comfortable with it, I won’t use. So I really dun understand whats yr problem that u have to be upset over the blanko like this.

Honestly I was very nervous. I kept making mistakes. In the end I gave up coz 5pm le. The auntie wanted to write for me but I thought maybe I could bring back let you write yourself since the tickets already committed. But you got so upset abt it.

Yes I don’t deny if I had gone there at 2, then maybe wont be like that. I am sorry abt that. I know this is very important to you, which is why you are so upset. But for me, is really not easy to write. 

“you will never change.”

“If you had come at 2pm as u promised, none of these troubles will happened. And u wont waste so much paper because of your ugly handwriting and never see my wordings properly.”

my handwriting by itself is this ugly. I long time no write le. Esp Chinese words. Then what you want me to do. I am trying my best to help. U put me down with my writing. This has become a personal attack u realize that.

“I asked you to get 4 tickets in my name, and you added your name meaning what.”

To me I straight interpret as “你这样是什么意思”. Wow we r getting confrontational now. So I do what I do best. I back off. 

This is why, the 2^nd day I went to submit the form, I changed my name to yours, meaning both tickets are in yr name. Becoz of the nasty txts. I also nvr really want to read properly, so I missed out on 4 names. I was just very focused on changing my name de, to yrs. I know on Tuesday, u also got write u want 4 tickets. But I really missed that out. I didn’t read yr txts properly. Sorry abt that too.

“Dislike your way of doing things and living your lousy life.”

“and now u r going to bring my ancestors names along with you to your dirty room or dirty car with all that shoes. How much more sin do you wana do”

wtf sial. Who won’t tulan. Honestly I skirt through all these, I already dun wanna read liao.

“I give up”

This was also what you wrote on Monday. Actually after seeing this. I really no mood for anything or what le.

“It is ok. People with heavy karma gets confused with life very easily.”

Whatever it is, still don’t give you any right to insult me like that. Who r u to judge who has heavy karma, who has not. Don’t say me. Even to anyone. I am quite certain Buddhism don’t teach you to be judgmental towards others.

Anyway. Yes. I screwed it up. I am sorry, but I tried to rectify it already. And also, I hope you understand my handwriting u want me to write nicely all of a sudden after not writing for so long, esp Chinese words that r so small I cant c. and I make mistakes and after 2^nd or 3^rd form coz I got so nervous and I make even more mistakes, I also don’t want de. So I hope you can be more understanding towards this and cut me some slack.

Remember when I said how we ourselves decide how we want to react to certain situations, and that we, above all, always have the choice?

Of coz sometimes we get so angry we throw rationality out of the window.

Everything that has prompted me to write this, is also accumulative de. I will also tell u now, that day I tear in the car. Also accumulative for the same reasons. But yet u think its only coz of the parking lot…… and u laughed. At that moment. It was really overwhelming for me. You laughed. Your self assimilation thinking you are right… as always.

To love, is not just to accept another’s everything. Its also to endure all the nonsense when she has it.

But endure also not right. One fine day, will explode.

To me, 忍, is part of love. There are characteristics of a person that make up who they are. Good and bad. Somethings cannot change. So there must but there must be a certain threshold to it. A limit to how much anyone can 忍。Now that I am writing all these, obviously everything is swung to my perspective…. This is me writing exactly how I feel in each of the situations I shall try my best to recount. I would like to ask u to have a good think abt the things I am gg to write.

Also don’t say I am calculative and 记仇。I don’t cite you these examples and share with you what I feel abt it u will forever carry on yr this selfish attitude and rude behavior and I think also certain sense of self entitlement which is honestly, not appropriate.

我跟你分享这些坦白讲，我觉得也是纯粹为了你好。

You asked me that stuff I posted on fb. Something abt change. Change for who? Change what? U die also want me to tell u what it is. I said I forgot. U dun believe. U even shouted at me. “I dun care! You dun tell me u forget! I want u to remember! U try!”

Seriously man. That one really pissed me off. U ask me something from 5 years ago. That I dun even remember writing, how to tell u what is it about? Seriously unreasonable, madness.

U make us quarrel becoz of 1 thing I am unable to tell u. this is really 无理取闹。 本来好好没有事你偏偏要弄到吵架。For what. 神经病。

Pictures. From google photos. U ask me something from 2014. Who is this. That girl remember? I told u I dunno. AGAIN SAME THING! I dun care! I want u to remember! U try!

My brain is empty! Wtf u want?! So many images over the years! Its just a freaking image! Very likely sync from Whatsapp! How will I remember these things!

But u die die want me to give u something! U ask me dig out what give u! U tell me reasonable or not.

Everything also want to the miniscule of details. If i dun give, u accuse me of keeping things from u. Then fight start again. Again and again and again. What for?

Seriously how are things like this necessary. There are certain things in life that has happened a long time ago. Some I can remember. Some I cannot. End of story. It’s the same for all of us.

Just becoz u think u got some 小聪明 doesn’t mean u r always right okay. Or that u have gotten yr hands on some saucy history that I didn’t share with you.  Or that I am hiding something from u. Fucking tiring lei like that you know or not.

Everything u also wanna scrutinize. Tell u u dun believe. Go thru all the images. All my pictures. Make such a ruckus about Jerine’s pics still in my album. Seriously lor I dun even care abit those pics. I dun care abt it so much I dun even know I still have her pics.

Not everyone is like u clear yr fb pics and friends all the time. For most people who upload fb pics, they just keep uploading more and more. I am one of these people.

Ok u r bothered. Fine.  I will delete them if it so pleases u. I would appreciate if u ask nicely. Not throw a tantrum abt it. Hello. U shouldn’t have 公主病 at this age liao okay.

On that subject every small small thing block me on whatsapp. Why do I even bother to txt. Or write a whole darn chunk of txt.

BECAUSE I CARE.

But what do u do. Delete txt without reading. Delete me from fb. Delete our stuff from FB. Because u r afraid people judge u and give u issues becoz I express myself differently. Seriously. How old liao lor still like that.

When u grab my phone and refuse to return it and just kept looking at stuff and looking at stuff. U dun respect my privacy. U dun respect me. Even when I tried reaching out for it u just put it out of my reach. U even force me to delete my wechat acc which is the medium I use to keep in touch wif my ex colleagues. Wah lau eh. U need to do this or not? U r a control freak u know or not?

Simple convor wif my friend u also wanna suspect and misunderstand and make a ruckus out of it. Do u know that incident made me very miserable? When we broke up for 3 days? U keep whacking me like this, for what? U sibeh song meh?

U notice I nvr look at yr stuff? I nvr ask u abt a lot of things? Which technically also means I dun know a lot abt u? I dun even know yr age! Do u even deem fit to tell me? No. Bf dunno gf how old. Ridiculous. Did I kao peh? No.  Even yr phone got no password I also wont peep at it. But I ask u this. If today I set my phone wif a password. 你会有心病吗？Dun think u have nothing to hide in yr phone so its okay with or without password. But the thing is, I dun care whether u have anything on yr phone or not. To me its very simple. If u have secrets to keep. By all means I dun need to know. I dun need to question yr past. To me I dun care. But  What matters is 现在跟以后。But u will ask me abt everything abt my past to the smallest detail. Sometimes I wonder if I am as detailed as u u will tell me or not.

I get very jumpy when u ask me this and that. Not coz I am trying to lie. But everytime it seems when got things like that and u r not satisfied wif my response, u will dig. And dig and dig none stop it will end up in a quarrel or encounter of sorts. Its so easy and I am darn sick of it.

Its also damn irritating when u say I cant forget abt Jerine. She is the best.  I am still thinking abt her. I cant get her love. WTF seriously. Where the fuck is that coming from lor. U say all these lj wei u got high meh? U will 舒服meh.

Hell I dun even know the names of yr ex bfs who they r how they look like what they do or got how many. I don’t need to know. I also certainly wont tu u wif lj wei coz I am not this kind of person. But apparently u will. U realize this is quite imbalanced?

Lets talk abt the car nxt. For fuck’s sake, stop comparing yourself to the car. That’s damn childish you know. U just cannot stop bringing the car back into the arguments. U just can’t. And I freaking don’t understand why.

你口口声声 say u understand how xiaobai is impt to me and u will let me keep it. And I was so happy that u said that. But on hindsight. how much of that do u really mean?

All u keep talking abt is I spent so much money on xiaobai. U c my sgcarmart advertisement. My fb and all that. I spent so much money on the car and 我不懂想。I wanna sell the car and buy Evo. I dun wanna save my money for more important stuff like marriage bla bla bla bla. Can 舍得 spend so much on wheels and wanna buy a $600 in-car camera and I dunno how to save money can buy a $100 one instead and use the money for other stuff and dun wanna take u to Bali etc.

Sorry to say this, but wake up yr fucking idea understand.

For the last time, I bought the wheels, and commissioned them to be painted when I had a full time job. When u were not in the picture. WHEN I WAS STILL WORKING I WAS OK TO SPEND THAT MONEY COZ I HAD A SALARY! Since is last time eh daiji why u wanna keep digging it out? Why wanna 钻 this kind of 牛角尖 lei?

Ya I spend a fair bit of money on my car before. Honestly to me is all out of necessity. It was, and still is my hobby. Whats wrong wif that? U dun understand doesn’t mean i am wrong. Wise decision or not is a totally different issue altogether. Why do u need to keep harping on things of the past and be so 看不开？

Now I dun have a full time job, I literally nvr spend any money on the car liao! For months! Ya! U said the car is a hobby and I should spend on it when I have extra cash.

Agreed.

So I nvr spend a single cent on the car already what. Whats the big issue?

Now I dun have extra cash I am not spending lo. So that’s why I haven’t buy my $600 camera, and also now come to think of it, even though buying a $100 camera has nvr crossed my mind, I also wont buy one now coz I too neow to spend that money also!! My car has no solar film tint. My car a lot of this and that I can’t fix (and I use the word fix because there r stuff that needs to be done becoz it needs money and time and I sorta dun have any!) So what 不懂想 and what immature? Sometimes I feel there is no pleasing u. u just wanna find something to say me!

We go out all these no need money one ah! So whats the problem now that I dun have extra cash, and I am not spending any money on the car! I dun even wanna wash the car lor.

The sgcarmart advertisement is still live is coz it wont expire one. and I nvr bother to take down lor. Just leave it there lor. Simple as that! Why u keep thinking I still wanna buy Evo lei? Crazy!

Bali I say many times le. I am not comfortable wif spending $ when I dun have a full time job. But  no u die die want. Say what 你不值得我花这笔钱在你身上。Xiaobai can. WTF seriously.

Seriously damn boliao can. Comparing yourself to car. Ok lor I already say since u want to go Bali fine we will go. So I dun understand why is there a need to keep talking abt it.

U know that reminds me of my trip to Thailand. I go wif my uncle to BKK u gotta make a ruckus out of it. U siao issit. That’s my uncle lei. Ya he paid for it. But I agreed to it and didn’t tell u also coz

·              We were not together at that point. So do I really have the obligation to?

·              I was searching for the right time. And seriously in between that period u keep drama-ing abt being together and get pissed off here and there as usual.

I have the obligation to go wif him coz HE IS FAMILY. Got wrong meh?

And you have the cheek to say I go without u. I jio u did u wanna come? Who is the one that tell me u dun wanna waste yr leave on BKK? Who is the one that take this opportunity to unleash hell on me during 4 days.

So its all on me that I go somewhere that u didn’t wanna take leave to come and yet put the blame on me. Sml? How is this reasonable?

Then there’s my issue wif driving. U keep scolding me for driving slow. U dun wanna waste yr time ( or is that life) sitting in my car when we can reach in 15 min but we need 30. No need to giao 1 quarrel come out even if really 15 min k. Won’t die one. Seriously. 不会死的。

Please be reasonable. And rationale abt it. My car in the first place is not fast. Is also very old liao. Explain to u how come u also wont understand. The pick up wont be fast as other normal newer cars. If want have to really zua it which I am not quite willing to.

But I already compromise by driving faster liao. So I dun need u to come and start screwing me that I am wasting yr time. As I say, I will not risk my demerit points for u or whoever. I will abide by speed limits, no more.

I also realize why I am used to driving at my 80kmh. Coz the car is very stiff and if faster and hit pot holes. Impact will be very big. I dun like that. Undercarriage will wear. so overtime I subconsciously will stick to slower speeds.

All the lj wei abt its my car how I drive is my business and u dun pay for it, I dun want to say lar.

As I say, I will drive faster. Every now and den I will slow down, but pls dun give me shit abt it. I naturally dun like to drive fast one okay. That’s me. And also stop throwing tantrums in the car in the morning pls. sometimes switching lane zip left right is really pointless most of the time one. End up no diff keeping in the same lane.

Also I am damn offended when there r things in the front seat when u get in and u get fed up over it. Whats the big deal? 你升手把东西移去后面讲难听点啦。你会死meh?

That day u throw my bag behind like that. Really fucking no respect for my things. Who do u think you are. Buddhism teach u stuff like this?

Also u shout at me for making u 罚站。For not letting u go in and sit first, make u stand in the sun, or barely a drizzle. When I am putting things behind yr seat first? I explain to u my side difficult coz seat cannot recline, what did u say?

“its yr own fault. Who ask u install this seat?”

Seriously lor. U damn 公主病 can. 等几秒会死meh. U how old liao. Can dun behave like that or not? Have some patience. U already say u older than me le. 脾气因该比我好。比我有耐心。But apparently no lor.

I dunno lar but 念佛till like that. i dunno lar. Honestly I cannot consider myself a devotee. But in the sense of temperament. As a devoted Buddhist and a person older than me u r supposed to be better than me. But it seems u r the opposite?

Sorry la I dunno, but I thought 念佛 supposed to teach u to be kind and compassionate and be patient to others, and not to judge others or talk bad abt others this sort of thing?

Ok before I forget, the corner lot. I wanna park at corner lot. Yes its generally more inconvenient coz they r harder to find and have to park further away. U keep telling me I 放不下。全部都是身外之物。U r willing to donate and part wif yr house when the time is  up. My XiaoBai I cannot take wif me when I go.

U is u, me is me. Everyone is different.

Yeah. But for now it is in my care, I wanna take care of it as much as I can. Got wrong meh? For yr own selfish reasons juz coz 你不要走多几步 and u wanna be near the lobby, u wanna force me to park near, no matter what kind of lot. U dun understand doesn’t mean u r right. There is still such a thing for respecting others decisions. In yr own words, U wanna “cure me of my OCD”. Pls dun say u nvr said this. To justify this section of all our issues, u even attempted to pull out the 脚痛 and old injury card. There is also such a thing called compromise. I drop u at lobby first park and meet u later lor. But no, u don’t want. This is not selfish is what?

U r unyielding. U want me to listen to U and bend yr way but u r completely unwilling to do the same for me.

I hope u r not justifying all yr unruly behavior based on the fact that “I lied to u” and u r trying to “recover”. 

Becoz that is being really childish.

I also really hate the way u call my friends unpleasant names. They are people I know.  也是妈生的。Bad mouthing them like that. Say what bitch or whore or whatever. Even if I am upset I wont call people names or think badly of them. Where is yr ability to be passionate and be calm? Buddhism 101 hello? where is yr so called 口业？

Dun u dare ever tell me also, that I am standing in the way of yr 修行。Damn disgusting, stupid, immature and selfish you know. I tell u 1001 times liao. We, abv all, can choose how or what to say, do or react in each and any given situation. So don’t blame the way u r on me.

Just because we have an argument and u get so angry u blame me for standing in your way of 修行? Is my fault u get so angry and u say naughty words and u get yr so call 口业 means 我害你？Hello yr surname is 赖 issit? What u say is yr own choice, no matter the circumstance.

Or just because I gently tell u * why gently? Because I dun wanna make u flare up. Because u r like a an explosive anytime can just go *  that sometimes when we get really upset it is inevitable that we may say notti words……. Before I finish, u already start shouting at me again. WTF?

When all I wanted to do is gently wanna remind u that u need to sometimes watch the things u say also. Not very pleasant. Becoz u keep going on abt 口业口业 and more口业But u just jumped the gun and say I am encouraging u to say naughty words. AND U WONT LISTEN TO ANOTHER WORD AND START FUCKING ME AND FUCKING ME?! Seriously.

Then? Liberation. I tell u. u this person just want to only fucking see what u want to see. Only hear what you want to hear. Only want to believe the things you want to believe.

U keep saying again, I am standing in the way of yr 修行. U keep saying I tell u liberation is no good. U FUCKING PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH U KNOW. HOW DARE U. SINCE WHEN DID I SAY LIBERATION IS NO GOOD. Stop saying that.  

Because it’s an activity u take really seriously. I also wanna do it wif u. 1st time I went to yr house to pass u soya bean pudding we spoke of it and u jio me go. I already say ok. I was looking forward to it. I wanted to experience it wif u. While I have nvr outrightly encouraged u upfront, I have NEVER discouraged u from liberation. This first conversation we had abt liberation. This thing abt me coming to yr house. 你真的一点心都没有。都忘了一干二净。So. U forgot. Did I give u shit for it? U search yr heart and tell me.

And because it’s an activity u take really seriously, I tried to engage u in a conversation of the dynamics of letting animals go, so that we can share thoughts and ideas of whether is there a better way to do it, where to buy animals and let them go and so forth. Since this is a good thing, can’t I, as yr bf, give u more ideas and share wif u information of what I learnt coz I also dun wan u to do wrong thing and in the end accidentally saboh the animals lei?

SO FOR THE FUCKING LAST TIME, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO HOW MY INTENT IS PREVENTING U, TELLING U LIBERATION IS NO GOOD, AND ALSO DISCOURAGING U FROM SAID ACTIVITY?!

I think u r so strong headed and so obsessed wif wanting to win arguments and feel the need to be “right”, u subconsciously twist everything to be in yr favor.

Your unwillingless to read anything I write when u r angry just goes to show yr horrible temper and yr 公主病. U dun care, u r right and everything else, especially me, is wrong.

That day we went to liberate crabs. Supposed to be a happy activity. Something we can share together. Though sudden, I am like… okay lo lets go.

I casually mention that Jurong Port have live animals also and we can see and again u jumped the gun!

Of coz u already conveniently forgot what u said but nvm, lemme remind u.

“pls dun get in the way of my 修行 and my good deeds”

All I wanted is to share wif u another place we can check out. At another time but noooooo. U had to jump the gun.

So do I explain? And get shot down. Or do I just diam diam and avoid arguing. Aiya. Avoid avoid. Matter sua.

I missed the turn. Say LJ wei. Nvm, sua. I nvr go there before. Many cars. Maybe GPS lag, I missed the turn. Also need to say LJ wei. Seriously lar. But nvm. Becoz I is nice person, I lun, even though not the first time.

Yes I afraid lor. I nvr do this before. Yes I am scared. Yes I took a long time. Still can scold me ah gua. Nvm, lim peh lun. Yes I let 1 crab go. U think I want one meh. Need to keep scolding me becoz of it. Keep gg on abt how I 害死 that crab. And my karma. Wah lau eh. U need to like that or not? Something that can be happy de let u make until like that? kum lan ah?

Not over. Still wanna accuse me I 计较 the money and dun wanna take the bigger crabs and keep scolding and shouting at me coz of it? Accuse me coz I hiam expensive. Accuse me even after telling me to take the big crabs I still nvr.

Tell me do good deeds cannot 计较money. I told u nvr. Then u start all over again. Hello I already tell u I nvr notice the price le. I just  随意 take. C which one I pick up. Really is at random. By the time I found out I already took 5 crabs. So just take 3 more lor. U just kan pua beh song I nvr take yr fat crabs coz they will be the first to die. Fuck lar seriously every fucking crab big or small in those tanks is sure die one ANYWAY.

I picked those crabs at random. OK. End of story. Stop all yr shit. No reason. Nothing to explained. I just picked those. Just that simple. To me just 随意随缘 just pick. But nooooooo. U had to screw me.

Forget the 计较 for a second lar. Everyone’s limit is different. Just becoz u can afford to spend X, doesn’t meant I can also. Then wanna go on abt I have no qualms abt spending on XiaoBai but come to liberation I so neow and I will have karma and I am not a good person. Fuck lar. Same thing for the publishing also.

I thought good deeds is 随意 and to yr comfort level one? Same as donation also what. Why now 看钱看到那么重？

C? Refusal to listen. U c beh song 你都要给全世界的人死。Dun listen. Dun give benefit of doubt. Is this the right attitude?

我是给你冤枉到跪地求饶了好吗。I said everything leading to those tears is build up de remember? Is all these things accumulate one.

JB de I haven’t even start. Just 1 “你要走你走咯“ can make u explode also. Fuck we were joking abt the car right? Cb. Like that also can let u link to negativity. u wanna spoil the trip theres nothing I can do one lei. Then wanna walk off on yr own in the mall and dun wanna wait. Fucking attitude like that for fuck. Then if no roaming cannot find u lor then lets all just separately walk overselves in the mall lor. U tell me lar why u wanna go and do till like that?

Everyone’s family situation is different. I tell u this is how my dad will react if I lug back a aircon cooler and he will be upset I waste the money. He is frugal in this way and will wanna fix and wont be happy I go buy a cooler. I just wanna avoid that stand off. I like that got wrong meh? Ya so the air con spoil again lor. Including my sis’s unit. 

All u know, is just saying I nvr heed yr advice to buy the cooler. Ya to be fair I also dun wanna spend the $ unless I die die have to. I can’t anyhow spend money. REMEMBER?

NOBODY to help him lor. He is MY dad lei. I know he will be unhappy if I cant help lor and perhaps vent his frustration on my sis and mom.  So I cannot try to prevent that and just go back and help meh?

My family situation different from yours okay.

What did u say? Its their karma bobian last time parents love is like that. U flare up abt it coz we have yr numerology lesson the nxt day. And u say cant be everytime he need me I need to break our plans so I can go back and help. But as I say, depends on situation what. The aircon we also got use one. U still accuse me I am taking money from them and all that. Dun be so selfish and also think abt others’ situations at times. I am just trying to diffuse it for both sides to come to the best outcome. U dun have to behave like that one. 

cant u just be more understanding and consider my 处境 abit instead of just thinking for yrself all the time?

Since we “patch” back….. u have been really cold to me. U nvr hug me anymore. We nvr kiss anymore. U r no longer excited to c me. Even good night kiss on the forehead u also tell me dun touch yr forehead anymore. U really just make me feel miserable.

U said I will go wif u to yr chantings before we got together and now we r together I dun wanna go.

No such thing. U take what I said abt yr 法会  being 12 hrs long and U share wif me its actually not that bad. So okay lor. Why u still have issue wif that? Did I say I dun want? But no. u use that to say I am not keen.

Please, I implore u. if u have, even the slightest bit, used “recovering” as an excuse to be nasty to me. Please stop. Recovering is trying harder to get on track where we left off, not taking each and every, even the smallest opportunity to take it out on me.

Also, relationship is compromising reasonably. And I just got this nagging feeling u r slowly changing me and bending me to yr will. My religious artifacts in the end also kenna force u to give away liao. Happy now? Where is the compromise that I can keep them and not wear them?

Did u purposely find excuse in our fights to force me to give them away? Only u know.

I am supposed to wear black. U outrightly forbid me to wear black AT ALL sial. Not even say maybe every now and then once or twice. Wif u die die cannot. Maybe anyone in my family pass away then perhaps can lar issit. I can only wear black not in yr presence. That takrut end up despite numerous assurances by Roy that its completely legit, u still force me dun wear. 

End up I also give away. Best part, u were the only that allowed me to get it in the end. And dun let me wear. Don't blame others abt what they say to u to so call "coerce" u to allow me to get it. The fact is, u say ok then i buy one. Dun push the blame to others. 

So, compromise? Got meh?

That’s all I have. Its taken me 3 days to come up with. Edit many times. Maybe abit messy but that’s how it is.

Again. Its not that I 记仇。I just wanna let u know how I feel in each of these incidents.

Becoz dun “记仇” and forget everything means sweeping everything under the rug. And everything will be just like before. Not healthy, and not helping.