An open letter to you, my Dear.
My Darling
Knowing your pattern, i have no other way to ensure that the words i write to you make it to you, since you delete my stuff without reading. I can't talk to you since you are not willing to listen, not at least in this state of mind. At least here, in this permanent space, i can ensure that it stays as i intended, hoping that at some point, your anger will subside enough to @ least take a look.
You probably wouldn't care, as far as i am concerned, you have been it very clear to me there is no chance between us if i lie or keep things from you.
In my own defense, for the sake of my love for you, for myself, i feel i have the responsibility to at least share my version of the story. If you read this, or bother enough to.
If you never do, then the fact is that I would have tried already. And if you don't have the patience to try to perhaps understand the situation as it is, and not how you see it. Then, siao liao lor.
I am able to write calmly like this now, given time to think carefully about what i want to write, because i really don't fare very well with face-to-face confrontations, as you can see, as i have realized.
Here, where i hardly have a time limit, i can express myself properly without pressure, thus i am able to convey my feelings across properly, i think.
I am not one to shorten words, as you know. Its not abt being lor sor. But to me, to be misunderstood is a painful subject. Therefore it has become a habit to make myself as clear and as concise and as detailed as possible, to be understood. Yes, you can be clear without being wordy, but unfortunately, that really isn't me nor my style at all. Even so, i feel that i am being misunderstood by you all the time. Anyway, please, bear with me.
After sitting for 1 night. I have decided to at least try to get it across to you. I have been trying to get across to you many many times. And perhaps i don't seem convincing enough to be successful.
One thing i should note right now, and apologize for, first and foremost, is my temperament towards you at certain times. As you know, like you, my temperament is, to be blunt, not good. I have been working hard at changing that. Trying to 改脾气 is not an easy task. And I have come to realize its a lifelong thingy as well.
You mentioned that nowadays i start to give you attitude. You are partly right. But its not because that i am trying to find your 底线。or take u for granted, or what. This is totally not true and contradicting to what and who i am. This, you have to understand. I am not this kind of person.
The truth of fact is that, we have been having arguments and quarrels every 2-3 days. I am sure like me, you hate it. Everytime it happens, and everytime i get an idea that its a redundant argument, I will just unknowingly raise my voice and start to lose my temper. Because to me, its happening so often, i have become defensive against this le.
All i want, is to live a loving and peaceful life with you. Is that so hard?
I am sorry for this, and as i mentioned, trying to 改脾气 is not an easy task. Nevertheless, i am always trying.
Yes, i know today when you ask me stuff, you did so in a calm manner. But yet i raised my voice at you. I know 你有为了我而改。And i really appreciate that. I am also trying hard to 为了你改。为了我自己改。
Recap. i did not lose my cool because i had anything to hide. i lost it becoz i know we were gg to get into an argument. Because it has happened all too often. And i just simply hate that we have to do it all the time.... for the most insignificant of things.
Take for example today. my Google Photos. U saw what seems to be some viet girl pic and chat's screen capture. U get upset. u ask why is this here, and what is it about. I tell you i don't know. I start to shout. Because i know whats coming. You will scold me to tell me to remember, that you don't care. You threatened me to better be honest.
This isn't the first time you do this to me le. Remember the FB status? u ask me who i am changing for? or something like that? Then change what thing? From 2011 or something? How do you expect me to remember? Nobody can remember one! Then how am i able to give you what you want when i already 忘到一干二净 already lei? From 5 6 years ago lei? Is it reasonable to expect me to remember something like that lei? From 5 or 6 years ago, esp this kind of unhappy thing which i long forgotten? Also there were also 1 or 2 things from FB also that you also gave me the same kind of behavior. Forcing me to "come clean" when i absolutely have no idea what's what, and then threaten and shout at me.
So knowing how forceful you can be, and that you are coming at me again with the same kind of forcefulness, do you think even if it is not me, that its you, that someone is forcing you to give them something you genuinely don't have, will you get upset like me? Can you try to understand my feelings ma?
To deviate back to Google Photos awhile, apart from the Camera folder, you can choose what other folders to sync from your phone. Snow, Whatsapp, FB, etc etc. i have had in btwn at least 5 phones give and take in the last couple of years. Some pictures, if from Whatsapp acc sync de, i also nvr c before. becoz i dun load every pic, and esp frm chatgroup de most of the time i hardly ever see the msgs or give a rat's ass. if they accidentally get sync to my Google Photo acc, for example then i really dunno man and if you see something that tickles yr fancy and demand i tell u all abt it. 我上哪里生答案给你？
In those days i dun really play with settings. I am just this bochup and dun care.
Those pictures were from 2014. I already have no idea how they came about. Whether one of my older phones got sync to Whatsapp image album or what, i genuinely have no idea. it is also unreasonable to tell me to "remember". how the hell would i know after so long? Some pics i dun even know i have! Or never even see before de! Its not like i everyday go back and refresh myself and look through all my photos in Google, or FB for that matter. By now the total picture count in my google photos acc are in the thousands already lor!
One thing for sure, those pics are not mine. U asked me for my view on these things before. i already tell u time and time again, i have zero interest. I don't go to these night spots. i don't go and know these people. I tell u before already. so many times. I ask you, pls have some faith in me.
Also whatever pictures i may have, in my phone, in my google photos acc, or otherwise. pls dun ask me how come they r there. most of them i have no bloody idea.
Its the same thing with FB. i cant possibly remember everything i wrote, or every picture i posted.
I am sorry, if i have no idea, then i just have no way of telling U. Dun keep thinking i am hiding something. I need you to have some faith in me. that i am being genuinely honest wif you, which i am. there is nothing to hide!
I have tons of pics and stuff i wrote on FB and Google Photos. I cannot possibly remember everything, esp stuff i wrote from donkey years back. Pictures that were taken donkey years back. Photos that were sync in donkey years back, esp when some of them are not even mine!
Pictures are pictures and that instead of thinking i want to keep them, has it ever occured to you that i cant be bothered enough to look back at them and find that some of these pics are still there?
Maybe u got go and keep deleting picture u dun wan and stuff. For me and i dare say almost everyone else, its just a post and forget post and forget affair. Baby, be reasonable.
If you don't like something you can simply tell me. Its not abt i dun wan to delete them away. Its more of the fact that i dun give a rat's ass about them. So if i dun care abt those pics, what does it tell u about the importance of those pictures to me lei?
Also one other thing is, why does the past bother u so much? Shouldnt it be the present and the future?
I dun care about your past. i may have asked how many bf u have, u might have said, i cant rmb. i think, many? do i care? no. Do i ask u to elaborate? no. Do i ask u show me their pics? no. Do i want to see yr whatsapp history? No! Do i look at the pics in yr phone? no. Do i want to?
Ehhhhhhhhhhh. no?
Why not? Becoz yr past does not bother me. Its not about trust when we talk about past. Its the present and future i am interested in. Its also not that i know u dun have much of a past so i dun bother. I am sure u have yr own skeletons but do i bother? no. Its just simply your own privacy and i will very much like u to know, i respect that.
It doesnt seem to work both ways though. u want to dig up everything abt me on fb. all my pics and all my whatsapp convors. u want to question every bit and detail. and if it doesnt mesh 100%, u r unhappy and u think i am trying to lie. The best part is when u dun understand n u lose yr temper and start to raise your voice at me. seriously.... wad the hell.
This, is very very tiring. becoz i dun do this.
And when u grab my phone away from me and refuse to return it to me so i may take a closer look when u demand to know whats this and whats that? do u know its very rude? what did u think i was gonna do? delete shit? Cannot like this one lei?
I dun thrive very well in situations like this. i hate them. Not becoz i am guilty. I HATE CONFRONTATIONS. i hate disputes. Especially when its you. becoz by yr pattern, once u set yr opinion on something. then u r the only one that is right, everyone else is wrong. or i am wrong. every explanation and justification that comes after is BS and excuses.
If you have an opinion or idea about me that is wrong, you are maligning me. And when i try to correct that, you give me the BS and excuses routine. How would you feel if u r me? 1 time. 2 times. 3 times. and so on? Becoz i love u i keep quiet. Do you want to keep maligning me? Am i happy to let u have the wrong opinion of me and let u 一直讲下去？Anyone will explode at some point.
In this context, who is bullying who? 谁怕到谁的头上去？
You need to learn you are not always right and i am not always wrong. Its not about winning the argument. Becoz when you cannot be convinced, what other merit is there in continuing the discussion? tio bo? black also let u say until white liao. Very tiring.
i know u have gone a long way and been on yr own since 20, and u have seen many things and all that. But forget not, everyone's situation is different. everyone deals with things differently. There can be more than 1 right way.
About the convor wif Sammi you saw. I have female friends. To be fair, u have male friends too. I dun stop u from talking to them do i? They are my friends. For the record, i nvr go find them on my own. Its they msg me and i just reply. plain and simple. unless its to share some forwarded stupid joke or what and even then i share them with most of my friends, male and female alike. Remember, my loyality is to u. and no one else.
I dun explicitly msg them, but when they do txt me, to me it is good manners to reply. And as a friend i am obligated to do just that. I dun have the intent to go out with anyone except yourself. When i say no, i wont say no straight or dun reply. I cant say i can't coz that makes myself look bad.
She asked me out twice. i didnt answer her the first time coz i didnt know how to say no. when she asked the 2nd time..... i said c how. To me, saying "update u tmrw" is just a soft way of saying no, to reject. U may just outright say no, but thats not me. So to concurr, i am not interested to gg out wif anyone except yourself.
Also when i say "would u want someone like me?" Pls dun link it with other stuff.
Basically after telling people my CPF is no good and i dun have much, i live from paycheck to paycheck, and that i missed the train, i am utterly depressed and demoralized. u refuse to talk to me. i was a wreck.
"Would u want someone like me?" is just a generalization, another way of saying "would anyone want someone like me?" While written differently and if u mean to nip pick yes its 2 different meaning but ask anyone, and they would tell u they can be the same meaning in general.
So pls dun misunderstand i am hitting on someone else, which for some bloody reason u seem to be on that train of thought.
Also about the 8子 analysis. i kept it from you coz i dunno how u were gonna react and then gonna pick a fight with me again. Seeing how upset you are with my amulets i dunno how you were gonna go with this. Also it was a very personal thing that i dun even intend to share with anyone. so if i deemed it as so private and personal that i dun wan to share wif anyone at all, cant you just respect me for my decision this once?
Just to touch on the more impt stuff now.
Knowing your pattern, i have no other way to ensure that the words i write to you make it to you, since you delete my stuff without reading. I can't talk to you since you are not willing to listen, not at least in this state of mind. At least here, in this permanent space, i can ensure that it stays as i intended, hoping that at some point, your anger will subside enough to @ least take a look.
You probably wouldn't care, as far as i am concerned, you have been it very clear to me there is no chance between us if i lie or keep things from you.
In my own defense, for the sake of my love for you, for myself, i feel i have the responsibility to at least share my version of the story. If you read this, or bother enough to.
If you never do, then the fact is that I would have tried already. And if you don't have the patience to try to perhaps understand the situation as it is, and not how you see it. Then, siao liao lor.
I am able to write calmly like this now, given time to think carefully about what i want to write, because i really don't fare very well with face-to-face confrontations, as you can see, as i have realized.
Here, where i hardly have a time limit, i can express myself properly without pressure, thus i am able to convey my feelings across properly, i think.
I am not one to shorten words, as you know. Its not abt being lor sor. But to me, to be misunderstood is a painful subject. Therefore it has become a habit to make myself as clear and as concise and as detailed as possible, to be understood. Yes, you can be clear without being wordy, but unfortunately, that really isn't me nor my style at all. Even so, i feel that i am being misunderstood by you all the time. Anyway, please, bear with me.
After sitting for 1 night. I have decided to at least try to get it across to you. I have been trying to get across to you many many times. And perhaps i don't seem convincing enough to be successful.
One thing i should note right now, and apologize for, first and foremost, is my temperament towards you at certain times. As you know, like you, my temperament is, to be blunt, not good. I have been working hard at changing that. Trying to 改脾气 is not an easy task. And I have come to realize its a lifelong thingy as well.
You mentioned that nowadays i start to give you attitude. You are partly right. But its not because that i am trying to find your 底线。or take u for granted, or what. This is totally not true and contradicting to what and who i am. This, you have to understand. I am not this kind of person.
The truth of fact is that, we have been having arguments and quarrels every 2-3 days. I am sure like me, you hate it. Everytime it happens, and everytime i get an idea that its a redundant argument, I will just unknowingly raise my voice and start to lose my temper. Because to me, its happening so often, i have become defensive against this le.
All i want, is to live a loving and peaceful life with you. Is that so hard?
I am sorry for this, and as i mentioned, trying to 改脾气 is not an easy task. Nevertheless, i am always trying.
Yes, i know today when you ask me stuff, you did so in a calm manner. But yet i raised my voice at you. I know 你有为了我而改。And i really appreciate that. I am also trying hard to 为了你改。为了我自己改。
Recap. i did not lose my cool because i had anything to hide. i lost it becoz i know we were gg to get into an argument. Because it has happened all too often. And i just simply hate that we have to do it all the time.... for the most insignificant of things.
Take for example today. my Google Photos. U saw what seems to be some viet girl pic and chat's screen capture. U get upset. u ask why is this here, and what is it about. I tell you i don't know. I start to shout. Because i know whats coming. You will scold me to tell me to remember, that you don't care. You threatened me to better be honest.
This isn't the first time you do this to me le. Remember the FB status? u ask me who i am changing for? or something like that? Then change what thing? From 2011 or something? How do you expect me to remember? Nobody can remember one! Then how am i able to give you what you want when i already 忘到一干二净 already lei? From 5 6 years ago lei? Is it reasonable to expect me to remember something like that lei? From 5 or 6 years ago, esp this kind of unhappy thing which i long forgotten? Also there were also 1 or 2 things from FB also that you also gave me the same kind of behavior. Forcing me to "come clean" when i absolutely have no idea what's what, and then threaten and shout at me.
So knowing how forceful you can be, and that you are coming at me again with the same kind of forcefulness, do you think even if it is not me, that its you, that someone is forcing you to give them something you genuinely don't have, will you get upset like me? Can you try to understand my feelings ma?
To deviate back to Google Photos awhile, apart from the Camera folder, you can choose what other folders to sync from your phone. Snow, Whatsapp, FB, etc etc. i have had in btwn at least 5 phones give and take in the last couple of years. Some pictures, if from Whatsapp acc sync de, i also nvr c before. becoz i dun load every pic, and esp frm chatgroup de most of the time i hardly ever see the msgs or give a rat's ass. if they accidentally get sync to my Google Photo acc, for example then i really dunno man and if you see something that tickles yr fancy and demand i tell u all abt it. 我上哪里生答案给你？
In those days i dun really play with settings. I am just this bochup and dun care.
Those pictures were from 2014. I already have no idea how they came about. Whether one of my older phones got sync to Whatsapp image album or what, i genuinely have no idea. it is also unreasonable to tell me to "remember". how the hell would i know after so long? Some pics i dun even know i have! Or never even see before de! Its not like i everyday go back and refresh myself and look through all my photos in Google, or FB for that matter. By now the total picture count in my google photos acc are in the thousands already lor!
One thing for sure, those pics are not mine. U asked me for my view on these things before. i already tell u time and time again, i have zero interest. I don't go to these night spots. i don't go and know these people. I tell u before already. so many times. I ask you, pls have some faith in me.
Also whatever pictures i may have, in my phone, in my google photos acc, or otherwise. pls dun ask me how come they r there. most of them i have no bloody idea.
Its the same thing with FB. i cant possibly remember everything i wrote, or every picture i posted.
I am sorry, if i have no idea, then i just have no way of telling U. Dun keep thinking i am hiding something. I need you to have some faith in me. that i am being genuinely honest wif you, which i am. there is nothing to hide!
I have tons of pics and stuff i wrote on FB and Google Photos. I cannot possibly remember everything, esp stuff i wrote from donkey years back. Pictures that were taken donkey years back. Photos that were sync in donkey years back, esp when some of them are not even mine!
Pictures are pictures and that instead of thinking i want to keep them, has it ever occured to you that i cant be bothered enough to look back at them and find that some of these pics are still there?
Maybe u got go and keep deleting picture u dun wan and stuff. For me and i dare say almost everyone else, its just a post and forget post and forget affair. Baby, be reasonable.
If you don't like something you can simply tell me. Its not abt i dun wan to delete them away. Its more of the fact that i dun give a rat's ass about them. So if i dun care abt those pics, what does it tell u about the importance of those pictures to me lei?
Also one other thing is, why does the past bother u so much? Shouldnt it be the present and the future?
I dun care about your past. i may have asked how many bf u have, u might have said, i cant rmb. i think, many? do i care? no. Do i ask u to elaborate? no. Do i ask u show me their pics? no. Do i want to see yr whatsapp history? No! Do i look at the pics in yr phone? no. Do i want to?
Ehhhhhhhhhhh. no?
Why not? Becoz yr past does not bother me. Its not about trust when we talk about past. Its the present and future i am interested in. Its also not that i know u dun have much of a past so i dun bother. I am sure u have yr own skeletons but do i bother? no. Its just simply your own privacy and i will very much like u to know, i respect that.
It doesnt seem to work both ways though. u want to dig up everything abt me on fb. all my pics and all my whatsapp convors. u want to question every bit and detail. and if it doesnt mesh 100%, u r unhappy and u think i am trying to lie. The best part is when u dun understand n u lose yr temper and start to raise your voice at me. seriously.... wad the hell.
This, is very very tiring. becoz i dun do this.
And when u grab my phone away from me and refuse to return it to me so i may take a closer look when u demand to know whats this and whats that? do u know its very rude? what did u think i was gonna do? delete shit? Cannot like this one lei?
I dun thrive very well in situations like this. i hate them. Not becoz i am guilty. I HATE CONFRONTATIONS. i hate disputes. Especially when its you. becoz by yr pattern, once u set yr opinion on something. then u r the only one that is right, everyone else is wrong. or i am wrong. every explanation and justification that comes after is BS and excuses.
If you have an opinion or idea about me that is wrong, you are maligning me. And when i try to correct that, you give me the BS and excuses routine. How would you feel if u r me? 1 time. 2 times. 3 times. and so on? Becoz i love u i keep quiet. Do you want to keep maligning me? Am i happy to let u have the wrong opinion of me and let u 一直讲下去？Anyone will explode at some point.
In this context, who is bullying who? 谁怕到谁的头上去？
You need to learn you are not always right and i am not always wrong. Its not about winning the argument. Becoz when you cannot be convinced, what other merit is there in continuing the discussion? tio bo? black also let u say until white liao. Very tiring.
i know u have gone a long way and been on yr own since 20, and u have seen many things and all that. But forget not, everyone's situation is different. everyone deals with things differently. There can be more than 1 right way.
About the convor wif Sammi you saw. I have female friends. To be fair, u have male friends too. I dun stop u from talking to them do i? They are my friends. For the record, i nvr go find them on my own. Its they msg me and i just reply. plain and simple. unless its to share some forwarded stupid joke or what and even then i share them with most of my friends, male and female alike. Remember, my loyality is to u. and no one else.
I dun explicitly msg them, but when they do txt me, to me it is good manners to reply. And as a friend i am obligated to do just that. I dun have the intent to go out with anyone except yourself. When i say no, i wont say no straight or dun reply. I cant say i can't coz that makes myself look bad.
She asked me out twice. i didnt answer her the first time coz i didnt know how to say no. when she asked the 2nd time..... i said c how. To me, saying "update u tmrw" is just a soft way of saying no, to reject. U may just outright say no, but thats not me. So to concurr, i am not interested to gg out wif anyone except yourself.
Also when i say "would u want someone like me?" Pls dun link it with other stuff.
Basically after telling people my CPF is no good and i dun have much, i live from paycheck to paycheck, and that i missed the train, i am utterly depressed and demoralized. u refuse to talk to me. i was a wreck.
"Would u want someone like me?" is just a generalization, another way of saying "would anyone want someone like me?" While written differently and if u mean to nip pick yes its 2 different meaning but ask anyone, and they would tell u they can be the same meaning in general.
So pls dun misunderstand i am hitting on someone else, which for some bloody reason u seem to be on that train of thought.
Also about the 8子 analysis. i kept it from you coz i dunno how u were gonna react and then gonna pick a fight with me again. Seeing how upset you are with my amulets i dunno how you were gonna go with this. Also it was a very personal thing that i dun even intend to share with anyone. so if i deemed it as so private and personal that i dun wan to share wif anyone at all, cant you just respect me for my decision this once?
Just to touch on the more impt stuff now.
- i love you, and always will. come what may. despite all these unhappy times, know that i am willing to stick by u, and that my loyalty towards you is absolute, and no one else. Even if u dun believe it. i have the utmost respect for u and it is out of this respect, that i dun do certain things and go abt in certain things in certain ways.
- Contrary to your self made popular and obstinate beliefs, i am the purest intent guy u r ever gg to meet. I just purely want your love and no one else. If u have not been convinced mentally, i am pretty convinced i have convinced you physically. I dun do mind games, i dun seek to find yr baseline. i am not interested in all these bs and nonsense. not sure if u r, i am not. and i am extremely insulted u take me for that sort of person. What player and shit. total bs. 神经病。
- U r the person i want to marry. To be together with. and share our life together. I dun understand how after 3 weeks together and how we 相处 everyday, the stuff we talked abt and how we got along, you can doubt that i would throw all these away. Not sure u feel the love and the connection, but i do.
- i am sorry but apart from here, i dunno how else i can get thru to u. I need to at least try this. Even though wad you said "we will never be together" kept coming back in my mind. i spent 2 over hours working on this. write till fell asleep. Now wake up continue. I tried very hard in our relationship. and if i have failed to convince u we still can be something otherwise, and that it is a misunderstanding, then so be it. I tried. Knowing u, i say more also no use. i already wrote alot alot already. I just think its a shame to let what we have go becoz of a misunderstanding. Its ridiculous.
- In life, you have seen alot. you have experienced alot. you met alot of people. 你也见过很多鬼。可能也有很多阴影。I know you are afraid of been hurt again. So am i. and u r hurting me now from your refusal to listen. The point is, i want to tell u I am different from every guy u have met. u dun have to think so deep about me. i tell u many times. i am a very simple guy. Go ask anyone i know. I have never been unfaithful. i have nvr betrayed u. my heart really is given to u and no one else. So pls, stop doing this to me. it hurts. After we quarrel for so many unnecessary things, my dear, i am still here. I am still trying to tell u to dun go. And this is my last resort.
I love you. more than you think u know. my love for u, can't you see it? from 我们相处的日子？
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